So get used to the lonesome

What I hate most:
800 miles.

What I love most:
The person that is 800 miles away from me.

Sanity has not been easy to maintain lately....


All I can say is that my life is pretty plain 
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane
I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape......escape......escape......
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don't like my point of view
ya think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane

For someone who doesn't travel, I've had a lot of random getaways this summer.

Every summer for the past few years I have sat at home while all of my friends traveled. And while I did that still for a good portion of this summer, I find it refreshing that I have gotten out of town three times this summer. Which, doesn't add up to more than two weeks vacation in the past 5 years, but hey, I take what I can get.

And at the same time, I find it horrendously upsetting that I have to leave town for two and a half days right now...

Government outlines are particularly annoying. Especially when they keep you from studying for your AP Spanish exam. Which has you flipping out because it's in a little over a week and you feel like you've never been more unprepared for anything in your entire life. Oh, and on top of all of that you have to finish a prom dress before you go to England right after your AP Spanish test. Although, I can't think of a better way to relax after that.

I'm really excited about it. Other than the whole flying part, but it's sort of inevitable so I'll deal with it. Right now, I just want this endless chapter to end. And then I can get my physics for tomorrow done and then continue studying for Spanish. Which I need to stop flipping out about, but I've never been very good at calming myself down...


(K*: I posted...)

I have now  decided to never, ever let anyone else drive my car.

Every single time I do, something goes wrong.

My sister drives it, and she leaves beer in it. Or it smells like smoke.
My mom takes it to Georgia and my brakes are messed up, which they still haven't fixed.
My sister borrows it again, and busts a tire.

Not to mention the tire she busted over the summer on my car also.

I don't see how driving my car is any different from driving their's. They don't break things constantly in their's. Although Leatha probably does let people smoke and drink in her car, but that's not the biggest problem. I think maybe its because my car is the only one that can reach 60 without feeling like its going to fall to pieces. Who knows? All I know is that I put my money into that car. I paid for my half when we got it running, and minus the time during Hamlet, I have paid for the gas for anywhere that I have gone. And I have also decided no one else gets to drive it after it gets back tomorrow. Except maybe my dad, he's good with cars.

(Sorry for the rant.)

 I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in


So this late night working thing actually works when used sparingly. But still you get tired of working. So I'm taking a break. Though there's not much to do at 2 am admittedly, but hey that's okay. I'm done with all of my work for tomorrow and most of my work for Friday leaving like Trig hw for Friday plus the project for government. I'm going to do try and work on both of those still tonight though. I figure the more I stay up and do tonight while I'm still awake is less I have to do tomorrow night. And I have lunch tomorrow and during Drama IV and before the production meeting after school. So that's good. 

Okay so admittedly none of you guys really care about that. But I think I'm entitled to rambling at this point. This week has been so weird for me. I've just been in a bad mood most of the time and my body is not adapting well to stress and lack of sleep. I think I'm losing the ability to tell if I'm hungry or not and I can't remember when I eat sometimes. Like I thought I hadn't eaten at all this afternoon and then I remembered I ate during study hall... its kind of annoying. 

At this point I'm just kind of awaiting the end of Hamlet. I know that sounds terrible. But I haven't exactly gotten much out of this production except for exhaustion. At times its fun, but most of the time it just feels like more work. All I can hope is that it feels worth it afterwards and during the performances. Oh well, I should really get back to all of my work.

Some interesting facts:



Shakespeare never actually uses the word 'ado' in "Much Ado About Nothing" other than the title.

He never uses the word more than once in any play other than "The Winter's Tale", where he uses four times; twice by Paulina alone.

Falstaff uses it in "Henry IV PI" and Mistress Quickly speaks it to him in "Merry Wives of Windsor", effectively tieing him to the word in two seperate plays. 

Shakespeare uses ado 9 times in all of his comedies, 5 times in his histories, and 4 times in his tragedies. 


(Writing my personal narrative for Yagel, apparently my favorite word is ado.)

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me
 

( Stuff I forgot to cut. But look at other cut before opening it. )

( You know it's crazy. I've had the week form hell. I mean there are people who have much more justification for a terrible week than me. There's no doubt there. But I just found myself intrinsically incapable of being happy. It just never got better. It still hasn't really gotten better. But I take two minutes to do this, and it points out most of the problem. I'm not saying I have some undying faith in this test. But it's pathetic. I can't figure out what's wrong with me all week and 10 clicks can. )

It kind of feels good to be done.

I mean I've finished Moby Dick, Their Eyes Were Watching God, and almost all of AP Bio. That leaves AP Spanish and a bit of Trig. I got the big things out of the way. Maybe I'll do AP Spanish tonight but probably I'll end up leaving it all to crunch in tomorrow. But I mean it feels good. I'm not ready to start yet, I didn't really get a summer.

However, its inevitable and so I'm as prepared as I'm going to be. I guess that's all I can say for myself. Except maybe for again how much I really don't want to be going back next week.

So I've been pretty good lately other than realizing recently how close school is and how far I am from being done with all of my school work.

I still have about half of Moby Dick, all of AP Bio, Spanish, and something else even I think? Oh yeah, trig. 
Plus my schedule is changed. I still have everything I want but they switched my Spanish and Trig, with trig being first thing on my first day, which is not exactly what I had in mind, math is not good for the morning. But oh well. 

Other than that, things have been good lately. I've been getting out a bit more. I've hung out with Mia and things are getting a lot better with Kelli. 
I still want to see some more people before school starts.

Oh and speaking of that, K* I'm sorry I never called you or messaged you back. When you called I was really busy that night and meant to get back to you but I just realized I never did. Sorry... (I'm really bad about calling people back if I miss you the first time, just as a general warning to everyone.)

My grandfather is leaving after next week, and my sister is leaving this weekend. Meaning it will soon just be me and my parents. At this point I can't decide if that's good or not. That was just fine last year. But things have changed. I've started the fit the teenage cliche of not getting along with my parents anymore. I mean my mom and I get in shouting matches over the smallest things these days. Which is crazy because we've always gotten along. I don't know what's wrong with us. Most likely me but oh well. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what ends up happening.

I think this is the first summer I've ever really not wanted to end. I mean I'm looking forward to school, I like it and I love getting to actually see my friends regularly. But I just don't even felt like I've lived this summer yet. I've worked so hard all summer I never really got a chance to just have fun. And now I'm rushing frantically to fit it all in but I just have more and more pressing work to do as the days pass by. On one hand I don't think I ever could have even come close to enjoying my summer without having had something like a job to keep me going. I always need something to do. When I don't that's when I get really depressed. But at the same time I've had everything possible weighing down on me all summer long. It's funny that I kind of feel at my breaking point now. I mean you're supposed to let things go in the summer, right? So why did everything get harder? I just don't know what to do anymore.

So Agecroft is coming to an end. That's cool. One less thing to worry about.

Only my Grandfather is staying with us right now.
And I still have other work.


Like the 60 pages of AP Bio, not to mention all of my AP Spanish work and Moby Dick to finish.

But all I really need is to relax.
Does anyone want to hang out sometime? 
I really, really need to get out...

I just love days when all hell breaks loose and sets it course straight for me without fail.

I need a break from all of this. Just something please to make it better.


Edit: So I just got back from Georgia.
There is something healing or just amazing in that place for me. 
I feel just about a hundred times better right now. We'll see what happens after tonight but right now it feels great.
I even reread Their Eyes Were Watching God on the trip...

So I have to be at Agecroft today from 1-5.
Then 6-11.

It's supposed to be 97 degrees today and very humid. 
Oh the fun that is inevitably in store for me because I agreed to do this.

I'm happy for the opportunity to be sure but I don't know how good it will seem after I die of heat stroke today, on my first day.


Other than that, things have been fine. I hung out with one of my best friends from middle school today which was amazingly fun, I fended off a stalker twice who now thinks I have a boyfriend (yes, I lied...), and my parents are successfully very ticked off at me.

Oh my first ten and a half hour day at Flowerama is done.
Oh how sore my legs are.

I feel like I should be writing an ode right now, right in the Neruda mindset. An Ode to Working in a Flower Store.
:) However I don't think I'll be embarking on that adventure right now.

There are some very sweet people in this world though. I think that's why I'm going to enjoy working in the flower store though. Because you see the good side of people. Even if they're coming in to make up for a fight and you get to ask if its a one dozen or two dozen kind of fight. 

My sister is impossible to deal with lately. I don't know what is wrong with her but she has been in such a horrible mood. And she returned my movies for the second time without letting me watch them. Grr sisters. And she got, oh what is that terrible new Nicolas Cage movie, Ghost Rider. Who wants to watch that?

Oh and The Tempest was amazing. Completely mind blowing, that was the first time I'd seen it on stage but I'd read it at least half a dozen times. The rain and wind was perfect.

I've never wished to be an only child before today.

So now I have two jobs. :)
I'm starting to work at Flowerama on Friday.
(Which is MZach's mom's flower store, for those cool kids out there wondering.)
Plus, I'm going to be light board operator for Henry IV.

Kind of a sad fact that I'm still finding myself in a state of incessent boredom. 
Because all of my friends are traveling. 
Those that aren't have closer friends than me that they like to hang out with.
As you can guess, I'm not supremely satisfied with my summer yet.

I still haven't even gotten the drive to finish cleaning my room yet for goodness sake...
Someone give me something to do until things pick up and I'm too busy to think of my lack of social life.

Okay so guess who's the light board op for Henry IV now.
Yes that's right, me. 
So it's a measly $200 for four or five weekends, but it's going to be soo cool. I can't believe it. Mr. Mudge called me and said that David White had said specifically that I would be really good for the job, which was really cool to hear. And now I have a production meeting tomorrow and a job, although I'm still going to spend my afternoon applying to many others. I guess I should get on with reading the play soon, and I really want to go see The Tempest this weekend. 


Other than that, I've been pretty lazy.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday. I hate doing that.
I'm like slowly but surely gaining weight. I can't fit into my sisters' clothes anymore and I'm getting kind of tight in my own. It's a real ego booster, let me tell you. So I'm determined to start running every morning, limit myself to one coke a day, and try some other healthy habits. 

Well I've got some cleaning to do and some jobs to apply to, I guess I'll talk to all of you guys eventually.

Goals for me in the coming week:

Pay more attention to your thoughts. Do they tend to be more negative or positive?

Try to talk to others even if you don't want to.

If someone asks for you to go out and hang out, do it if you can even if you don't want to. 

Notice how you react to different things as they come to you.




Ick. maybe this isn't going to work out so well. its driving me insane after 1 day.

So I got home from the recital I went to last night, and got online for the first time in a few days. Since I don't talk to people online really I get bored quickly, and I was going through one of my facebook groups, Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Calvin and Hobbes. And I ran across one strip that really kind of hit me.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I'm not saying I believe in aliens, but it's got Calvin and Hobbes standing next to a cut tree trunk with cans all on the ground, and its so true. There are so many things in this world that bug me. I'm obsessive compulsive and type-A, almost everything bugs me. But things like that, which are completely unnecessary and just stupid, bug me the most. I understand that trees go down to build neighborhoods, but the trash is completely unnecessary. I think that everyone has heard this speech, but I don't know, maybe I'm just a sucker for my environment. 

Doesn't it bug anyone else that no one even makes an effort to help anymore? I mean, I stop my car and pick up trash if it's on my road and I will pick up stuff on my way back from runs, but why do people even do it? Yes, they're is an innumerable amount of stupid people out there, but everyone can grasp the concept of not throwing trash out of their cars, really, it's not difficult.

Ah, the Inferno.
So there's no question that Dante could write. The Inferno is probably one of the best written pieces of literature I have ever read, and I truly enjoy it.
I just don't like spending more than an hour on it trying to answer menial questions about it that I don't even care about.

I have so many other things to worry about. Like other classes, although that's the only one I have a bad grade in so it should be the one I care about the most. Or anything else going on in life lately. Though in the end I don't have half as much license as many other people lately to be upset, but apparently that isn't going to stop me. Ugh, you know I've never liked spring or summer. I get really reclusive and don't let people in. I get grumpy and irritable. 

I was kind of hoping this year would be different, but its turning out to be the same old routine.